Brief Health Update and The Blessings of Autumn

Hi friends. It's been an exceptionally rough few months for me. Honestly, I've felt so bad and so fatigued I haven't really cared about writing. I've had many bedridden days again and I hate it. I know so many of you understand exactly what I'm saying. Earlier this year, we focused on Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever and felt my body needed to detox before working through anything more. So over the last several months I've been doing a comprehensive detox protocol, especially in preparation for a stronger, deeper level of homeopathic Lyme treatment. While I've done detoxes before, I've never done one this comprehensive. And it has absolutely kicked my butt and sent my into a crash I didn't expect. But my labs show I am in adrenal exhaustion and I know this has played a role. My doctor feels this is the reason I haven't been able to pull out of it. Between all of the "stuff" this detox is bringing out and my exhausted adrenal glands; my body is just too taxed to deal with it all. Overwhelmed. Too much physical and biochemical stress. Needless to say, everything else is on hold for now.

On a side note, I found an excellent book by Dr. James Wilson, ND, PhD, entitled Adrenal Fatigue: The 21st Century Stress Syndrome. Clearly there are different kinds of stressors, which all stress affects the adrenal glands, but in speaking about chronic illness Dr. Wilson stated, "The more chronic the illness, the more critical the adrenal response becomes." That is a profound statement and I think it's something we all need to be aware of. After 20 solid years of this chronic debilitating illness, I know my adrenals are in serious need of attention.

Also of note is that Dr. Wilson says infections, particularly respiratory infections, are especially draining on the adrenal glands. He says the more chronic an infection is, the more taxing it becomes on adrenal function. And it's cumulative. He also says if pathogens (disease causing bacteria, viruses, parasites, etc,) are present in the body, they must be dealt with first before proper function of the adrenal glands can be fully restored.

Well this is really the Catch-22 for those of us with chronic Lyme (and other co-infections). As it stands, Borrelia (Lyme bacteria) is not a pathogen that can be eliminated from the body. Regardless, I believe doing everything I can to help my exhausted adrenal glands is vitally important. But my adrenals aren't the only thing that's exhausted. My whole body is exhausted. I. Am. Exhausted. This disease itself is physically exhausting. Working your butt off for twenty straight years to be well, doing anything you can, is also exhausting; in every way. I don't even have words for it all anymore. And let me just say if you haven't been here then you cannot understand the depths of this.

I've been on basic adrenal support in the past but am now on a more comprehensive support. The foods we eat can also play a big role in helping our adrenal glands heal and Dr. Wilson discusses this at length in his book. Even the times we eat can either be beneficial or detrimental to our adrenal function. I believe in eating whole, healthy foods anyhow, so I'm really focusing on this as well. And while I felt better for almost two weeks after beginning the adrenal support, I've started feeling badly again recently. It's the crazy roller coaster ride that never lets you get off.

For years, this has been how my body responds to anything new. Feel better at first and then crash and feel like crap again. An immunologist my doctor consulted with last year said this is a sign of severe immune imbalance. He said a Lyme infection plays havoc on the immune system; especially when it's long term. His exact words: "Long term Lyme infections confuse the immune system to such a degree that it causes it to lose its intelligence." If you're interested in reading more about this go here.

We've been working on correcting this immune dysfunction for over a year. It can get so frustrating and discouraging when working so long and hard to correct something but not seeing big changes. That's not to say my immune system isn't functioning better on some level; it is. However, I still have an immune deficiency. Interestingly though, our adrenal glands have a direct affect on the overall efficiency of our immune systems. So knowing what I do now, I'm thinking my adrenals have played a role in this as well. Perhaps that's an overlooked key. And perhaps this would also explain my struggle to fully recover from a major respiratory infection I had back in 2012. I seriously hope healing my adrenal glands will also help balance and improve my immune function more. I suppose like everything else in working to physically heal, especially where the Lyme complex is concerned; it's a process.

I don't feel well enough to write anything more but given this beautiful season we're in, and because I always try to find something beautiful in the midst of this mess, I wanted to share a post from my other blog, The Ragamuffin Saint, that I wrote three years ago entitled, The Blessings of Autumn. I so love fall and wish I could get out more to enjoy it. I do have a great view from my bedroom so that is a blessing to my soul. And I try to get out on our deck with some hot tea to take in the beautiful landscape and breathe in some crisp fall air. I hope you enjoy the post and photos from October 2011; especially if you can't get out. Believe me, I understand. May it bring a smile to your face and leave your heart warmed with some of the beauty of fall.

~ Michelle

The Blessings of Autumn

Update On My Lyme Journey: Part 2

It's been over five months now since I started my new Lyme treatment. Despite working really hard for more than three years using various protocols, my doctor and I found out last September that I still have an active infection. 

Discouraging, but we also found out a significant missing piece to this puzzle in how the chronic Lyme infection has affected my immune system. To read my previous health update about this, please go here. 

I am having some rough days on this treatment; it's really up and down. Some days I feel better, other days I feel bad, and many days fall somewhere in-between. However, it sure beats feeling the absolute worst every day, all day, like I have for so many years.

We're also treating the long-term Epstein-Barr (EBV) infection I've struggled with for quite a while, too. Last fall, the immunologist that my doctor consulted said it's imperative to treat EBV in conjunction with Lyme because they get layered together and play off of each other. Therefore, treatment must target or address both. 

 Several years ago, I was treated by a physician for over two years with different prescription antivirals (Valtrex and Famvir) for Epstein-Barr specifically. Clearly, it didn't work because it's still an ongoing issue for me. However, we didn't know about the Lyme infection back then, so I believe Lyme and EBV do work in tandem, just as the immunologist said. Before hearing that from him, I'd always felt a link between them because of my own experience.

We are also working to correct the severe immune dysfunction the Lyme bacteria have caused in my body. I certainly think this has played a role in the chronicity of EBV, but I also believe Lyme disease directly has everything to do with keeping Epstein-Barr in a reactivated state.

As for the immune dysfunction, I'm stuck in overdrive on my T-helper 2 side, which means it overacts. As a result, this has pushed my T-helper 1 side into suppression, which causes it to underact. All of this is due to the chronic Lyme infection. It's been happening for a lot of years and has thrown me into an auto-immune cycle. The immunologist also told us long-term Lyme infections cause the immune system to become so confused that it literally loses its intelligence, but we're working to restore it.

I'm experiencing more neurological stuff at times, too. I've been having a lot of buzzing, tingling, numbness, burning, and shock-type pains. The sensation on the left side of my face was very dull for several days. All of these sharp, burning pains feel like touching an electric fence that sends a burning jolt through you. While it isn't very pleasant to go through, I think it's actually a sign my body is working to heal and repair my nervous system. I believe the treatment is helping reduce inflammation and better support my neuronal function, which is precisely what it's supposed to do. 

Also, the large Lyme ring rashes I've had on my back, chest, and abdomen for almost a year now are significantly better since starting this treatment. At one point, I seriously looked like I had the Olympic rings on my back, except there were way more than five. Overall, it has mostly cleared up, and I am so glad. A big thumbs up for that! 

I'm not sure what's coming next in terms of how I'll feel. It will probably oscillate back and forth, but either way, I've got to do this. We must deal with this Lyme infection as outright as possible and continue reducing inflammation in my body. I do believe there are some good changes are in progress. I just hope and pray I feel better sooner rather than later.

On a side note, this year, 2014, marks twenty years of chronic illness for me. I can't help but think back through the many long and difficult years and wonder how I've survived it all. It's been hard, and that's an understatement. But, as I've said many times before, and it really is true, God has kept me in ways only He could.

My beloved mother is and has been all throughout these years, my "boots on the ground," if you will. And let me tell you that when you're chronically ill, you need present, tangible help every day. 

Love and well wishes from afar are nice, but they aren't the present and tangible help you need when you're so profoundly sick, debilitated, and fatigued. She's the one who has been by my side through all of this, and I am ever grateful. I can't begin to tell you how much she has done for me over these past twenty years. Not only the big things but also the small day-in-day-out things. I am blessed by her care and devotion in helping me be well.

Prayer helps sustain us very much, but practical help is equally necessary; it takes both to get through this. Actually, when you're that sick and fatigued, and you can't function, you need those real and present hands and feet more than anything else. 

So yes, prayer helps, but it doesn't make meals for you or tangibly meet your ongoing physical needs each day. It doesn't drive you to doctor's appointments and sit with you while you're receiving your lab or test results. It doesn't hold your hand while you're having an awful day. In other words, love in action from somebody is required.   

My Mom and Dad have both made many sacrifices to help me since I've been ill. And I understand how truly blessed I am to have the ongoing support I do because many do not. My illness has been hard for my family too. I know it can't be easy to watch someone you love suffer so much for so long. Chronic illness truly affects everything.

What I'm experiencing while on this treatment isn't something I haven't already on some level over the years, but it sometimes gets wearisome. And, again, if you don't have that ongoing tangible support, it's doubly hard and stressful. 

Many do not have the support they need, and they suffer more as a result. Everyone whose sick should have somebody in their life they can depend on to help them, but sadly, that's not always the case. And that hurts my heart.

Let me say that I absolutely believe God is doing what only He can in this, but in the meantime, I have to keep doing what is necessary, too, and it is a full-time job. 

I continue asking Him for perseverance and resolve, so if you'd like to pray anything for me now, please pray for that. And please pray for everyone who has Lyme disease. The suffering is often so tremendous, and not everyone has a caregiver to help them regularly.

Better yet, if you know someone with Lyme, or any chronic illness for that matter (especially with no ongoing support), offer to help them practically in some way. For instance, offer to run errands or help around the house somehow. Perhaps they need transportation to an upcoming appointment, and, if you're able to do so, filling that void would sure lift a burden. Ask what their specific needs are and then follow through with the particular help.

I'll end for now by saying, none of this is easy, but you just have to focus on what needs to be done each day - that's what I've learned through the years.

Take one day at a time. 

Be brave. 

Do the work. 

Cry when you need to. 

And then trust God with the rest. 

Michelle

Update On My Lyme Journey

It has been quite a while since I posted an update on my health and where I am in this Lyme journey. So I'll get straight to it.

I still have an active Lyme infection, even after three years of various kinds of treatment.

Long-term Lyme infection = chronic Lyme disease.

This was confirmed by a Ph.D. immune researcher (Dr. N) whom my doctor consulted with after I started breaking out with multiple large ring rashes on my back, chest, and abdomen during the past several months. Turns out, this is a sign of active Lyme. He said this happens when the body doesn't know what to do with the infection anymore, so it comes out through the skin (an organ itself).

He also told us some things we didn't know about how the Lyme infection has affected my immune system and how this happens when the Borrelia bacteria are in the body long term and isn't sufficiently treated or diagnosed correctly, to begin with, allowing greater dissemination. I think this is a common picture for many of us with chronic Lyme.

Dr. N says a long-term infection with the Lyme bacteria (Borrelias) confuses the immune system to such a degree; it causes it to "lose its intelligence." I'd never heard it put that way before, but I can see this is true.

Specifically, he told us the Lyme infection has caused my immune system to become stuck in a dominant Th2 (T-helper) cycle, an auto-immune cycle. He believes I've been stuck in this a very long time—years. This means my Th1 side is suppressed, and none of this is good because it creates a tremendous imbalance in how the immune system responds to pathogens, toxins, and allergens. One side of the immune system overacts, while the other underacts. If this goes on over time without correction, the immune system can literally burn itself out.

Interjection: I'm pretty sure God has been preserving me.

Interestingly, this explained some other issues I've had for years, like how I easily get and cannot get over certain infections, including some dormant infections that are chronically reactivated, particularly Epstein-Barr Virus (EBV), Cytomegalovirus (CMV), and Varicella-Zoster Virus (VZV). They can get layered in with the Lyme and other tick-borne co-infections. I've had respiratory infections I've never been able to recover from either fully, and now I know why—MTHFR mutations and this severe immune dysfunction, which is actually rooted in the Lyme infection itself.

T helper (Th) cells are immune cells. These cells are neutral until a pathogen (bacteria, virus, parasite, fungus), toxin, or allergen comes along, and they convert into either Th1 or Th2 cells, depending upon the threat.

Th1 cells fight viruses, cancer, yeast, and intracellular bacteria (bacteria inside cells that replicate like Lyme/Borrelias).

Th2 cells fight extracellular bacteria (bacteria that do not invade cells or replicate), parasites, toxins, and allergens.

Dr. Paul Cheney, M.D., explains immune dysfunction syndromes quite well. He says when a person is Th2 activated, they no longer have the defense mechanisms to keep dormant all the things caught in their past. They cannot suppress or control them anymore. Strep, EBV, CMV, etc., reactivate. Candida can also begin to appear. Go here to read more. If that link is broken, try here instead.

While I have had a few improvements, I am still unwell. But, as brutal as this all is, and as sick as I still am, I can't tell you how validating it feels to finally find a doctor who understands what long-term Lyme infections do to the immune and nervous systems—to my immune and nervous systems. 

Finally, somebody who has a deeper understanding of what's really been happening in my body! I'm so grateful to Dr. N. for the revelation he gave my doctor and me and for the time and expertise he graciously shared.

I am grateful to my doctor, too; I feel blessed to have her. She has walked with me through this for the past seven years that I've been seeing her. We've had many ups and downs, and over this last year, we both knew something else needed to be done. As she put it, while there have been some preserving benefits in my treatments, I'm still not getting well, which is a big problem. The fact that I was misdiagnosed for so long—16 years—has only complicated matters. For the record, she is the one who discovered I really have Lyme disease, which was a process in itself, but that's another story for another day. 

Clearly, a new protocol is in order, and I have started a new comprehensive treatment based on Dr. N's recommendations. It's totally herbal (with ongoing homeopathic and nutritional support), and while I've used some herbal therapies in the past, this is a protocol I've never done before. I have been on it for about a month now, and the most significant difference I can tell is that it's clearing up my Lyme rash. Nothing else helped before this.

Dr. N. laid out a very realistic picture of what he believes this treatment must entail. He said it must be comprehensive and not just focused on "killing" the Lyme bacteria, which is really difficult to do once Borrelia spirochetes invade the cells and replicate. It must also address inflammation, damage, and dysfunction in the entire nervous system and other affected organs and systems. And he said gaining back control of my immune system as soon as possible is highly crucial.

We already knew some of these things and have been working to accomplish them. However, Dr. N's insight into how the Lyme infection has affected my immune system changed how we look at the overall picture and proceed with a different treatment. It's like he's given us a huge, missing piece to this crazy, complicated puzzle; an essential element.

Our primary treatment keys:

1.) Treat the long-term Lyme infection as outright as possible using Berberine as a primary herbal antibiotic. Then switch to another herbal combo after 2 months. Back this up with homeopathic remedies.

2.) Reduce overall inflammation in the body, especially in my immune and nervous systems, including my brain. Dr. N says absolutely no one can fully heal or be well with high levels of inflammation in the body. We must also help repair and support the entire nervous system. This is a longer process.

3.) Correct immune dysfunction by helping restore intelligence back to the immune system. This will help with chronic viral infections as well as the Lyme infection.

According to Dr. N, we must do numbers one, two, and three simultaneously to be successful. And so we are. 

4.) Once my immune and nervous systems are stronger, we will start working to correct other dysfunctions in the body like adrenals, thyroid, liver, etc.

Also, maintaining the ability to detoxify is always near the top of the list. If one cannot detox, then one cannot heal. This is something we've been working on for a while and continue doing.

I'd be lying if I didn't say I felt somewhat disheartened by this, and that this has been going on for so long just adds to it; nineteen years total, to be exact. However, I knew deep down that the Lyme infection is still an issue for me because I know my body. If nothing else, this certainly speaks to the complexity and chronicity of Lyme disease. And it speaks of how stealth the Borrelia bacteria are, like it literally hijacks the immune system.

I know this has been rather long, and honestly, I wrestled with writing it because it takes a lot of energy to put it all together. Still, I needed to write an update, if only to document it all for myself. I will try to post periodic updates as I work through this new protocol.

Please pray for my endurance as it would be much appreciated.

I can't even begin to tell you the different treatments I've tried over the years (I know those of you who are also struggling with Lyme totally understand) and how I've worked my butt off to be well. So I really hope and pray this will be a key or at least a big step forward. Some days, it's just plain hard, but I'm still holding to my faith.

The Lord's brought me this far, and I know He will see me through.

With love,

Michelle

Hot Tea, Hot Compresses And Hot Ligaments: My Winter Health Update

Right now, I'm spending time focusing on what my body is most in need of. I'm more concentrated on what I can do at home to help aid this healing process. It is truly a full-time job. And while I've been doing many of these for several years, focusing on them more makes me realize just how helpful they really are. Call it intentional focusing.

Here's what I find the most beneficial and even necessary in many regards:

• Warm castor oil compresses on my liver (and sometimes spleen)
• Epsom Salt and aromatherapy baths
• Dry skin brushing
• Stretching 
• Standing; bearing weight
• Bouncing on my physio or Swiss ball to help with lymph movement
• Deep breathing exercises 
• Eating whole, healthy organic foods (always)
• Healthy alkaline smoothies and juices
• Resting as often as needed throughout the day (there's usually no other choice)
• Drinking hot teas (Green, Lemon, Ginger, Pu erh, Tulsi, Gotu Kola, etc.)
• Drinking a lot of pure water
• Spending time outside in the sunshine and fresh air
• Listening to soothing music
• Praying and meditating on God's Word 

Naturopathic and Homeopathic Medicine, Chiropractic, Massage Therapy, and other bodywork (Craniosacral Therapy, Myofascial Release, and Reflexology) are vital aspects of my health regimen. Yet, I believe what I do at home daily is equally as important. I know it is.

DOCTORS UPDATE:

I did come home with some new information from my last doctor's appointment over a week ago.

After a solid year of treatment, Lyme is still in my body. And it's still in my nervous system. We all know when Lyme is in the body chronically; it goes everywhere - organs, tissues, cells. It respects no boundary. As a friend of mine says, "It's a wicked stealth bacteria." You know I've been breaking since last September from my Lyme treatment for those who have regularly followed my blog. Specifically, the part of treatment targeted the strains of Borrelia as well as some co-infections. However, when Dr. P muscle tests me about going back on that part of the treatment protocol, my body emphatically says no. My biggest question regarding this is why? If the Lyme is still in my body, why doesn't it want more of the Lyme treatment?

She believes this indicates that part of the treatment has done its job of pulling out Lyme particles from deep within my cells, tissues, and organs and brought them to the forefront. And now we must support my immune system to do its job of cleaning it up if you will.

Enter new immune support, MycoSurge (a liquid blend of 12 immune modulating mushrooms). I've only been on it a week so far, but I'm really excited about seeing how it will help my immune function. We'll see how it goes.

On another note, Dr. P is still concerned about my liver. This is based on labs, muscle testing, and my symptoms. She believes the Lyme has damaged the nerves that feed my liver. I feel viruses are also playing a role in assaulting my liver cells, namely Epstein-Barr and CMV. She believes having a healthy, optimal functioning liver means better health overall. And I agree. This is a major focus for us. We're also using MycoSurge as new liver support as well.

Still seeing my chiropractor, too. We had to stop the visceral adjustments; they were way too much for me. My liver couldn't keep up with a load of toxins being dumped after each adjustment. So Dr. R tried a new, less invasive technique right before Christmas - The Logan Technique. I had never heard of it. Basically, he holds light pressure for several minutes on the Sacrotuberous ligament, located at the back of the pelvis on each side. Literally, they run right up against each buttock. These ligaments anchor the sacrum to the bones of the pelvis. As I understand it, this technique is said to realign the pelvis and reduce tension on the spine. This relaxes muscles of the low back and pelvis and balances the spine itself, which would affect the peripheral nervous system and influence the organs those nerves feed. Let me say this: something shocking and pleasantly unexpected happened after the first time.

I had a contracture in my right knee for several years that took me a long, painful time to work through physical therapy. It's 85-90 percent better. No one would probably notice it at first, but I cannot straighten my right leg completely. To put it another way, my right leg is a little shorter than my left.

After Dr. R did this Logan Technique, I came home and laid down to rest and noticed my right knee felt really weird. I mean, something felt very odd. And then it hit me; the back of my right knee was touching the bed. That hasn't happened in years. My leg was completely straight! In all honesty, it felt too long. Like out of proportion long. Normal is weird when you've not had it in a very long time.

Unfortunately, it didn't stay that way. After a day and a half, it went back to the way it was. But how amazing that I could straighten my leg completely after all these years, if only for a couple of days!!! And after only one treatment! Very profound. My right hamstring has been aching off/on a great deal since. I view this as positive. Like we are awakening things or restimulating them. Stay tuned for more on this. If that happened after only one treatment, what might happen after several more?

I haven't been back to my chiropractor yet, but I'm anxious to tell him what took place and excited to see what will happen after another treatment. I hope and pray my leg will straighten permanently. This is one of the most exciting things that's happened to me physically in a while.

As far as how I'm feeling goes...

1. I don't feel quite as inflamed since being on the Lyme protocol. Despite eating a healthy, whole organic diet for many years, despite being on antivirals and every known supplement to man, inflammation was still such a significant issue for me until I started treating Lyme. Truly, Lyme is an inflammatory disease. 
2. I'm not running fevers as frequently. 
3. Fatigue is always present on some level, but I must say, overall, it is more moderate in intensity as compared to the many years of severe and debilitating fatigue I've endured. That is definitely a blessing beyond words!! I still have days to contend with the more profound, debilitating fatigue, but it's not a daily occurrence now. I often wonder how I ever survived when it was? I can actually take a shower and not be totally wiped out. I can make my own smoothies and juice. Small steps.
4. I do believe Cataplex B (Standard Process) is helping my energy too. And I can tell it is helping better support my nervous system as I've had a decrease in burning, numbness, and tingling since being on it. Good stuff.
5. My liver is still problematic. Spleen is somewhat better, but one often affects the other because it and the liver share common blood vessels. My liver seems to be functioning better at times, and others, I can tell it's very sluggish and congested. Sometimes, it just aches, as does my spleen. However, the warm castor oil compresses help very much. In fact, the constant puffiness over the front of my liver has gone down since doing the compresses. And my body had actually formed visible blood vessels there, the big puffy kind, which Dr. P was really concerned about. GONE. The only thing I've done differently is the castor oil compresses. She told me to continue doing them indefinitely.
6. I still have days I don't feel well at all. I still get wiped out at times. But I'm so thankful I'm not running fevers as often and that I have some better energy. Hallelujah! Or, as Tyler Perry says, "Hallelujer!"

Any positive, lasting change is very encouraging after so many years of ups and downs, trial and error, crashed expectations, disappointments, misdiagnosis, etc., etc., etc.

I We could write a novel, huh?

Lyme disease is taxing in every way and requires perseverance, resources, and a consistent support system. In my opinion, it also requires supernatural help from the Lord.

I will overcome this with continued perseverance and especially God's help.

Michelle Holderman
Copyright © 2012 

The Good, The Bad And The Ugly: My Summer Health Update

I think Clint Eastwood would be fond of my title. *Smiling* Or perhaps I should have entitled it, "Go ahead, you punk, Lyme; make my day."  *Eyes squinting*

Nevertheless, here's the lowdown. I am into my eleventh month on the chronic Lyme protocol, and things are definitely in motion. And it is a combination of good, bad, and ugly parts, so the title is quite fitting. Indeed, this process is akin to peeling an onion. The more layers we peel back, the more we find to deal with. And so it's been through the years. It is an incredibly complex process. 

I have been in this for so long, I've learned how to cope, adjust and pace myself and my expectations. That isn't to say I'm not hopeful. I am very much and especially because of my faith. It's walking through this process of healing after being sick and debilitated for so many years that's so challenging. Believe me when I say you cannot understand unless you've been here. I sincerely pray you never are.

Right now, viral co-infections are surfacing again. I say again because I've dealt with many of these for years, not knowing that chronic Lyme disease was underlying all the while (Lyme actually suppresses immune function and opens the door to other infections). Seems this all came in reverse order for me. Regardless, Borrelia (Lyme bacteria), Cytomegalovirus (CMV), Epstein-Barr (EBV), and Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever (A tick-borne bacteria and Lyme co-infection) are the most problematic for me at this point and in that order. 

I believe old viral infections resurfacing is a sign that the Lyme treatment is working very profoundly. This physically translates into me not feeling well on many days, and some days are just downright bad, but at least it's for the sake of healing. I feel a deep sense of gratitude to my body for forever working so hard.

As for the viruses, we're treating them homeopathically, which is one core part of my treatment protocol. Homeopathic Medicine is potent, safe, and very effective. I've found it's the best way to go for me. I say this after spending several years on multiple prescription drugs with little to no improvement or change except for a hefty dose of side effects. Wait. Was that sarcasm coming out of me? I am clearly detoxing, but it's true.

Despite what some might say, healing from long-term Lyme disease and co-infections is not easy, and it certainly doesn't happen overnight. There really are no words to convey how sick I've been throughout all these years and how it has impacted every facet of my life. Or how trying the many long days, weeks, months, and years have been. I have often felt Jobesque.

Yet, God has been doing something during all this time, something within me. He still is. Training time in the wilderness on the backside of the mountain, I guess you could say. Maybe you're there too. And even though this road is long and challenging, even though I long for better days, I have many things to be thankful for, even though I don't always understand. It's bittersweet but true nonetheless. 

So I remain in the throes of healing and recovery. There is some improvement overall, albeit slowly. I've had a few better days scattered here and there, but none like I did back in the Spring when I had ten straight days that I felt better than I have in a very long time. 

I'm just now writing about this because, in all honesty, I wanted to keep it and savor it for myself. Then I realized I needed to share it to perhaps encourage others working to be well too. And to say that I believe this speaks of the fact that a transformation of healing is taking place in my body. Still, this is a much harder place to be than I can fully articulate. It's a fight - a fight to live and reclaim my life.  But isn't this the place where extraordinary transformations take place? Isn't this where tragedy is turned into triumph? Where true heroes emerge?

In ending, let me say I have personally learned true healing encompasses body, soul, and spirit. We cannot be entirely well physically or spiritually if we have unresolved emotions or grief. Conversely, whatever happens to us physically certainly flows over and affects us emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Therefore, proper physical diagnosis, treatment, and care are necessary to help the whole body heal and recover. And when we aren't spiritually connected to our Creator, we aren't fully living. 

I think Acts 17:28 captures it best, "For in Him we live and move and have our being." 

We are triad beings - body, soul, and spirit - made in the image of our triune God - God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. I believe complete health and wellness come about when we are well on all three of those levels. That's where I'm working.

Michelle Holderman

Copyright © 2011