Brief Health Update and The Blessings of Autumn

Hi friends. It's been an exceptionally rough few months for me. Honestly, I've felt so bad and so fatigued I haven't really cared about writing. I've had many bedridden days again and I hate it. I know so many of you understand exactly what I'm saying. Earlier this year, we focused on Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever and felt my body needed to detox before working through anything more. So over the last several months I've been doing a comprehensive detox protocol, especially in preparation for a stronger, deeper level of homeopathic Lyme treatment. While I've done detoxes before, I've never done one this comprehensive. And it has absolutely kicked my butt and sent my into a crash I didn't expect. But my labs show I am in adrenal exhaustion and I know this has played a role. My doctor feels this is the reason I haven't been able to pull out of it. Between all of the "stuff" this detox is bringing out and my exhausted adrenal glands; my body is just too taxed to deal with it all. Overwhelmed. Too much physical and biochemical stress. Needless to say, everything else is on hold for now.

On a side note, I found an excellent book by Dr. James Wilson, ND, PhD, entitled Adrenal Fatigue: The 21st Century Stress Syndrome. Clearly there are different kinds of stressors, which all stress affects the adrenal glands, but in speaking about chronic illness Dr. Wilson stated, "The more chronic the illness, the more critical the adrenal response becomes." That is a profound statement and I think it's something we all need to be aware of. After 20 solid years of this chronic debilitating illness, I know my adrenals are in serious need of attention.

Also of note is that Dr. Wilson says infections, particularly respiratory infections, are especially draining on the adrenal glands. He says the more chronic an infection is, the more taxing it becomes on adrenal function. And it's cumulative. He also says if pathogens (disease causing bacteria, viruses, parasites, etc,) are present in the body, they must be dealt with first before proper function of the adrenal glands can be fully restored.

Well this is really the Catch-22 for those of us with chronic Lyme (and other co-infections). As it stands, Borrelia (Lyme bacteria) is not a pathogen that can be eliminated from the body. Regardless, I believe doing everything I can to help my exhausted adrenal glands is vitally important. But my adrenals aren't the only thing that's exhausted. My whole body is exhausted. I. Am. Exhausted. This disease itself is physically exhausting. Working your butt off for twenty straight years to be well, doing anything you can, is also exhausting; in every way. I don't even have words for it all anymore. And let me just say if you haven't been here then you cannot understand the depths of this.

I've been on basic adrenal support in the past but am now on a more comprehensive support. The foods we eat can also play a big role in helping our adrenal glands heal and Dr. Wilson discusses this at length in his book. Even the times we eat can either be beneficial or detrimental to our adrenal function. I believe in eating whole, healthy foods anyhow, so I'm really focusing on this as well. And while I felt better for almost two weeks after beginning the adrenal support, I've started feeling badly again recently. It's the crazy roller coaster ride that never lets you get off.

For years, this has been how my body responds to anything new. Feel better at first and then crash and feel like crap again. An immunologist my doctor consulted with last year said this is a sign of severe immune imbalance. He said a Lyme infection plays havoc on the immune system; especially when it's long term. His exact words: "Long term Lyme infections confuse the immune system to such a degree that it causes it to lose its intelligence." If you're interested in reading more about this go here.

We've been working on correcting this immune dysfunction for over a year. It can get so frustrating and discouraging when working so long and hard to correct something but not seeing big changes. That's not to say my immune system isn't functioning better on some level; it is. However, I still have an immune deficiency. Interestingly though, our adrenal glands have a direct affect on the overall efficiency of our immune systems. So knowing what I do now, I'm thinking my adrenals have played a role in this as well. Perhaps that's an overlooked key. And perhaps this would also explain my struggle to fully recover from a major respiratory infection I had back in 2012. I seriously hope healing my adrenal glands will also help balance and improve my immune function more. I suppose like everything else in working to physically heal, especially where the Lyme complex is concerned; it's a process.

I don't feel well enough to write anything more but given this beautiful season we're in, and because I always try to find something beautiful in the midst of this mess, I wanted to share a post from my other blog, The Ragamuffin Saint, that I wrote three years ago entitled, The Blessings of Autumn. I so love fall and wish I could get out more to enjoy it. I do have a great view from my bedroom so that is a blessing to my soul. And I try to get out on our deck with some hot tea to take in the beautiful landscape and breathe in some crisp fall air. I hope you enjoy the post and photos from October 2011; especially if you can't get out. Believe me, I understand. May it bring a smile to your face and leave your heart warmed with some of the beauty of fall.

~ Michelle

The Blessings of Autumn

Struggling With Lyme, Pursuing Acceptance And Trusting God With The Rest

The struggles of living with Lyme disease are myriad, absurd, and often unexpected, just as they are with many chronic debilitating illnesses. This past week, I was reminded of this fact yet again.

Out in a store with my Mom when suddenly, I feel the familiar sensation of vestibular dysfunction arising. Subtle at first. Slightly woozy, dizzy. I'm sitting down in my wheelchair, mind you. I feel it in my eyes. There's pressure in and behind my ears and at the base of my head. I feel my neck begin to ache and tighten up. I can't believe this is happening. Rolling around in and out of isles, maneuvering people and small spaces, only makes it worse. So does too much input. Fatigue begins to wash over me. Mom takes one look at me and knows; t's familiar to her because she's seen it so often. 

We're both surprised and disappointed and we leave as soon as we can.

I'm thinking a lot of things.

Vestibular stuff. I haven't felt this in a while. Why is it happening now?

Ginger. I have no ginger with me. Shoot.

Whole Foods is just across the street. We'll go over there and get some.

By the time we get to the car, I'm running a fever and feeling more tired and woozy, a little nauseous. I'm feeling drained. I have no stamina.

What's happened? I used to be able to tolerate a couple of stops before anything like this. And I haven't had vertigo in quite some time. I feel like I've taken two steps backward.

And then it hits me.

I remember just how bad I have felt this year. How, since spring, I have not been out except to go to doctor's appointments, and many times, I've had to drag myself to those. How the Lyme treatment has been so taxing; how CMV and EBV levels got really high again this past summer, and we had to direct our focus on that too; how my spleen and liver have been so congested and dysfunctional; how tender and swollen they've been; how I've had visceral adjustments, and the last one wiped me out for two weeks.

I think I know why this happened. It happened because I've been more debilitated this year (no wonder I have such low stamina). It happened because I've been physically unable to hardly get out. It happened because I have had some better days at home since breaking from the Lyme treatment this fall, but I mistakenly thought that could translate into a better day out shopping in a store.

After many years of living with chronic illness, I know better. Having better days at home and better days out are two totally different things. I know that. I've lived that. But for some strange reason, it didn't dawn on me that I couldn't handle a store or two like usual, even though this was only my second time being out in one since early spring. And there it is. I was expecting the usual. But these are not usual times. And I have had an unusual year of feeling unusually bad.

As difficult as the past 17 years have been, this year has been uniquely complicated and challenging. I began a full Lyme treatment protocol in September 2010. Since then, between treating Chronic Lyme and multiple co-infections (Ehrlichia, Babesia, Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, Mycoplasma, Epstein-Barr, and Cytomegalovirus), it's been a rough ride, to say the least. There are no words to fully articulate the depth of it all. If you've not been here, you can't possibly know. That's all I can say. It's as simple as that.

Ironically, I had planned to post something quite different today, a post I worked on a few days ago describing the mild, quiet, beautiful days I'd been having at home the week before last. I will still post that but what happened this past week is ever a reminder to me that there are some things we absolutely cannot do for ourselves. Only God can change certain things.

My Mom did run into Whole Foods and grabbed me a bottle of ginger. It always helps, and that day was no different. About 30 minutes after taking 1,000 mg of ginger root, I started feeling some better. Better enough to briefly stop at a store I love and then have lunch at a place I love (you learn to go on and enjoy some part of your day if you can). By then, though, I was totally spent.

One of the ongoing challenges in all this is acceptance; acceptance of what my body can and cannot do at any given moment, on any given day. On the ride home, I felt like I'd had a setback. I have felt this way many times over the years, and it still doesn't feel good. However, I've also learned it's not productive nor healthy to feel frustrated with my body for what it truly cannot do.

Instead, I must practice the love, self-care, and acceptance that I need. I know my body is working hard to repair, restore, and balance to heal. I know I help aid this process through eating good, whole nutrition, proper rest, treatment, therapies, prayer, etc. 

Being critical or harsh with my body accomplishes nothing. I remind myself to be as gentle and caring with me as I am with my Lyme and other chronically ill friends.

So I went to bed when I got home that day - I needed rest. I needed quiet. I needed hot tea. And I needed the total acceptance of where I am. That doesn't mean it will always be this way. It means I accept what I cannot change at this moment and trust God with the rest.

Michelle Holderman 

Copyright © 2011 

The Good, The Bad And The Ugly: My Summer Health Update

I think Clint Eastwood would be fond of my title. *Smiling* Or perhaps I should have entitled it, "Go ahead, you punk, Lyme; make my day."  *Eyes squinting*

Nevertheless, here's the lowdown. I am into my eleventh month on the chronic Lyme protocol, and things are definitely in motion. And it is a combination of good, bad, and ugly parts, so the title is quite fitting. Indeed, this process is akin to peeling an onion. The more layers we peel back, the more we find to deal with. And so it's been through the years. It is an incredibly complex process. 

I have been in this for so long, I've learned how to cope, adjust and pace myself and my expectations. That isn't to say I'm not hopeful. I am very much and especially because of my faith. It's walking through this process of healing after being sick and debilitated for so many years that's so challenging. Believe me when I say you cannot understand unless you've been here. I sincerely pray you never are.

Right now, viral co-infections are surfacing again. I say again because I've dealt with many of these for years, not knowing that chronic Lyme disease was underlying all the while (Lyme actually suppresses immune function and opens the door to other infections). Seems this all came in reverse order for me. Regardless, Borrelia (Lyme bacteria), Cytomegalovirus (CMV), Epstein-Barr (EBV), and Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever (A tick-borne bacteria and Lyme co-infection) are the most problematic for me at this point and in that order. 

I believe old viral infections resurfacing is a sign that the Lyme treatment is working very profoundly. This physically translates into me not feeling well on many days, and some days are just downright bad, but at least it's for the sake of healing. I feel a deep sense of gratitude to my body for forever working so hard.

As for the viruses, we're treating them homeopathically, which is one core part of my treatment protocol. Homeopathic Medicine is potent, safe, and very effective. I've found it's the best way to go for me. I say this after spending several years on multiple prescription drugs with little to no improvement or change except for a hefty dose of side effects. Wait. Was that sarcasm coming out of me? I am clearly detoxing, but it's true.

Despite what some might say, healing from long-term Lyme disease and co-infections is not easy, and it certainly doesn't happen overnight. There really are no words to convey how sick I've been throughout all these years and how it has impacted every facet of my life. Or how trying the many long days, weeks, months, and years have been. I have often felt Jobesque.

Yet, God has been doing something during all this time, something within me. He still is. Training time in the wilderness on the backside of the mountain, I guess you could say. Maybe you're there too. And even though this road is long and challenging, even though I long for better days, I have many things to be thankful for, even though I don't always understand. It's bittersweet but true nonetheless. 

So I remain in the throes of healing and recovery. There is some improvement overall, albeit slowly. I've had a few better days scattered here and there, but none like I did back in the Spring when I had ten straight days that I felt better than I have in a very long time. 

I'm just now writing about this because, in all honesty, I wanted to keep it and savor it for myself. Then I realized I needed to share it to perhaps encourage others working to be well too. And to say that I believe this speaks of the fact that a transformation of healing is taking place in my body. Still, this is a much harder place to be than I can fully articulate. It's a fight - a fight to live and reclaim my life.  But isn't this the place where extraordinary transformations take place? Isn't this where tragedy is turned into triumph? Where true heroes emerge?

In ending, let me say I have personally learned true healing encompasses body, soul, and spirit. We cannot be entirely well physically or spiritually if we have unresolved emotions or grief. Conversely, whatever happens to us physically certainly flows over and affects us emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Therefore, proper physical diagnosis, treatment, and care are necessary to help the whole body heal and recover. And when we aren't spiritually connected to our Creator, we aren't fully living. 

I think Acts 17:28 captures it best, "For in Him we live and move and have our being." 

We are triad beings - body, soul, and spirit - made in the image of our triune God - God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. I believe complete health and wellness come about when we are well on all three of those levels. That's where I'm working.

Michelle Holderman

Copyright © 2011